The Balcony Protocol
“One of the best ways to build a relationship is to waste time with someone.”
The Little Prince
✱The easiest, most effective date night you can do in your pyjamas.
Fifteen minutes. No agenda. One recipe. A two-page handout plus 50 purposeless questions, for the nights you sit down together and realize you only ever talk logistics.
No spam. Just the protocol, plus the occasional resource we make ourselves.
There are three relationships in every marriage.
Friends, lovers, and partners. The most crucial one is friends. It is like oxygen. You only notice it when it is gone.
Balcony time is one of the most effective techniques we teach couples to maintain and deepen their friendship. It is free. It is simple. You can do it in your pyjamas.
Don't believe us? Try it tonight.
The kids are finally asleep.
Half an hour of pointless conversation. No purpose, just playfulness.
Galit and I collapse onto the couch on the balcony, treating ourselves to a little luxury. A tub of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream.
We dig in, and suddenly a huge chunk of cookie dough appears, the size of my hand. We are so thrilled we spin an imaginary story about how it got there. A factory worker named Jenkins who put in too much dough, got called into the manager's office, got fired, and then his wife left him. And on and on.
This pointless conversation went on for about half an hour.
Since then, “Jenkins” has become a code word in our marriage. A shortcut back to that night, and to our shared playfulness.
Talking about nothing is everything.
Four rules you can read in ninety seconds and use tonight. Nothing to prepare, nothing to process, nothing to fix.
Set a time and place
Put it in the calendar. Not romantic, but it works.
Talk about anything
Water. Air. The carpet. If the topic feels silly, that is the point.
Don't get attached
If your partner changes the topic, follow them. Yes, and.
Find your code word
Name the moment before you get up. Ours is Jenkins.
50 questions that go nowhere.
Organized past, present, future, for the nights you both go blank. You are not supposed to finish the list. You are supposed to lose the thread.
What is the weirdest thing you believed as a kid?
Which drawer in this house is a crime scene?
If we opened a terrible restaurant, what is on the menu?
Not another worksheet. Fifteen minutes on the balcony tonight.
Play is the first of four skills that remake a marriage. Start here, on your own balcony, with nobody watching.
Dr. Assael and Galit Romanelli are in their sixth marriage to each other. They co-created The Remarriage Roadmap.
Same partner. New marriage.